Coaches v Coaches Xmas Matchup
CLASH OF THE TITANS (AND TUMMIES): Naas Coaches Serve Up Christmas Cracker
Date: December 27th Venue: Kerdiffstown (The Theatre of Dreams... and Screams) Attendance: A few bewildered passing dogs.
The long-awaited Naas AFC Christmas Coaches Match descended upon Kerdiffstown at 11 am today, answering the age-old question: Can those who teach, actually do? Based on today's evidence, the jury is still out, but they are certainly entertaining while trying.
The Preamble: Do As I Say, Not As I Do
The tone was set early. These are the same men who run laps around 14-year-olds for arriving 30 seconds late to training. Yet, in a stunning display of hypocrisy, the car park saw a steady stream of coaches strolling onto the pitch with less than five minutes to kick-off.
The warm-up was a tale of two cities. One group engaged in what looked like a suspiciously professional routine—clearly trying to intimidate the opposition with synchronized stretching—while the others engaged in a warm-up that consisted mostly of shivering and regretting that extra slice of ham yesterday. Tragically, for the "pros," that was where the competence ended.
Tactical Masterclass?
The teams set up in formations that would make Pep Guardiola weep.
- The Bibs: Opted for a "defined" 4-5-1.
- The Non-Bibs: Deployed a revolutionary, if slightly confused, 3-6-1. This was less "Total Football" and more "Total Traffic Jam," ensuring the midfield was as congested as the M50 on a Friday.
The Enforcer in Black
The man in the middle, Referee Darragh O'Toole, arrived with a whistle and a God complex. Rumours of a pre-match brown envelope exchange remain unsubstantiated, but the sheer volume of offside calls against the Non-Bibs raised eyebrows (and blood pressure).
O'Toole ran the game with an iron fist, handing out yellow cards for dissent like they were Christmas cards. It turns out, coaches really, really don’t like being told they are wrong. Who knew?
The First Half: Inertia in Motion
The first 45 minutes were a spectacle of physics. There was plenty of movement, though spectators noted that the most significant momentum often came from the players' midriffs rather than the ball.
It was a cagey affair. Both goalkeepers remained largely untested, mostly because the shots were traveling at a speed that allowed them to be intercepted by continental drift.
Half-Time Shock: In a twist that shocked the sporting world, cans of beer offered at the break were universally rejected. It was the second and final display of professionalism of the day.
The Second Half: Tired Legs and Low Blows
As the lactic acid kicked in and legs began to seize like rusty hinges, the game actually opened up.
- The Cat: Baz unleashed an effort destined for the top corner, only for Dave "The Cat" Edmonds to defy gravity (and his age) to tip it over the bar. A save for the cameras.
- The "Incident": A rasping shot from Adam Bracken was tipped over, leading to a corner that will go down in infamy. In the ensuing chaos, goalkeeper Mick O'Toole ended up with "two balls" in his hands. We assume Eoin has accepted the apology, though he may be walking differently for a week.
The Climax
Despite the flurry of activity (and low blows), the game finished in a 0-0 stalemate—a scoreline that flattered the defences and insulted the attackers.
It went to the dreaded penalty shootout. After some surprisingly fine spot-kicks, the Bibs eventually ran out winners, securing the bragging rights for the next 364 days.
Post-Match Analysis
Thankfully, there were no serious injuries, although the local pharmacy has reported a sudden run on Epsom salts, Sudocrem, and deep heat. It was a fantastic morning and a genuinely enjoyable way to burn off the turkey.
A massive thanks to all the coaches who turned up to humiliate themselves for our entertainment. See you all next Christmas—start stretching now.
